Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You Might Also Like
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Admin smashed it 😂
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!