You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.