Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.