I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
A French press is when you hug naked
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck