Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
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Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?