He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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Does this dress make me look cat?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.