Every house has this drawer
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin