Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance