Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Just why bro?!
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
This meeting could have been a cake
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
For cardio I live beyond my means.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW