Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
When I snag the last meatball.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps