Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”