Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice