“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You Might Also Like
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
how high up are we talkin’?
Hell yeah 👍
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
In case you needed to hear it:
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.