Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My wife gives the best headache.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.