If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Childbirth is so beautiful
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Note to self: always read the final line
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.