*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
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[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.