When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Cheer up.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
The Struggle
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”