Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!