No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
You Might Also Like
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.