Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?