Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh