When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
your honor my client chooses dare
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Never let them know your next move 😂
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.