Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…