Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees