Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”