If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.