ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
where do you see yourself in five years?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
very niche meme I made
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?