I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
drew a comic about my origin story
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.