Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.