Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.