waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You Might Also Like
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”