I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.