[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
anyone else like Italian cereal
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit