I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
mathematically impossible
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout