It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.