My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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Dietest Coke
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding