Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
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If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Ah yes. The three genders
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.