If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.