Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.