Noah was an idiot.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing