My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
You Might Also Like
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Just had my nails done!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My neck, my back, my…
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods