Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Wait a minute
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.