*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out