Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
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Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”