[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.