If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
This is so me 😂😂
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.