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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Not even remotely sorry.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Knock Knock
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality