*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
A short story about romance.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.