“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream