May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Mmmm canned fish.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
me doing my best
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.